


Riza and Rebecca's Excellent Adventure

by AnnePackrat



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Crack, F/M, Gen, Het, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-02
Updated: 2013-10-02
Packaged: 2017-12-28 06:20:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/988735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnePackrat/pseuds/AnnePackrat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At Roy's request Hughes must unravel just what exactly happened during Riza and Rebecca's night out on the town. Somehow it involves a mongoose, a mouse, and Jean Havoc in skimpy underwear. Crackilicious, mild Royai Roy/Riza and Rebecca/Havoc</p>
            </blockquote>





	Riza and Rebecca's Excellent Adventure

_Disclaimer: Fullmetal Alchemist and it's attendant characters and settings were created by Hiromu Arakawa and are distributed by Square-Enix, Funimation, and Viz. No profit is made from this story._

_Notes: This takes place after Riza gets Black Hayate but before Mustang and his team's move to Central. Falman was indeed Hughes' subordinate before he was transferred under Roy after a particular incident occurs in the series. Extreme Crack and parody involved!_

\----

When Hughes had been summoned by the Flame Alchemist to "discretely deal with a situation with one of my subordinates," he had certain expectations. Several scenarios had gone through his head: maybe Fuery had been tinkering with a sensitive prototype and broken it, or Havoc had been escalating the boys' prank war and it had gotten out of hand. Hell, it could even be that Breda's illicit moonshine still had finally been discovered. 

What he had not expected was a hungover Riza Hawkeye, a still quite drunk Rebecca Catalina and the crazy menagerie that filled the rest of the hotel suite. The scene was so incredible that it (very very briefly) drove all thoughts of his awesome, intelligent, talented and wonderful daughter out of his head. 

Looking again at the carnage, Hughes then turned his head back to the bleary-eyed woman before him. "Lieutenant, I've never encountered anything like this before, so I'm not even sure how to start. I understand it was Lieutenant Catalina's birthday?"

Hawkeye nodded then winced as the movement made her headache throb. She was sitting in one of the few non-ruined chairs clutching a bag of ice to her head. "Yes, sir, I'm sorry to say that it's become something of a tradition for Rebecca to do something crazy on her birthday. Three years ago she decided she wanted to go mountain climbing. After three bottles of whisky we were halfway to Briggs with a pack full of ropes and pickaxes."

Hughes raised an eyebrow. "That must have upset Roy a lot."

Shrugging, Riza pushed the ice back on her head. "I managed to sober up and get us on a train back home before we  
actually got there. We only missed a day of work."

"If you'll forgive me, lieutenant, but you're always so serious about work, so I'm surprised you're alright with even missing one day."

In the bedroom a chorus of howls and slurred singing erupted. Hughes looked up startled, but Hawkeye just winced again and sighed. "Don't worry, Rebecca's just trying to teach my dog to sing the national anthem."

"Why in the world would she-?" He was interrupted by Riza.

"Sir, if there's one thing I learned when it comes to Rebecca, is that it's best not to ask too many questions." She closed her eyes in pain briefly as they reached the really high note in the middle of the anthem. "In response to your question, a single day of missed work is nothing compared to what happened in the following years." She took a relieved breath as the singing subsided. "Two years ago we stole Breda's still and set up shop in a ladies room on the third floor of Eastern headquarters."

Hughes brows furrowed in thought then his eyes went wide. "You mean that freak gas explosion that destroyed a whole wing of headquarters was…"

She nodded grimly. "I hate to admit it, but yes that was us. Thank god no one was around at that time of night. As it was Rebecca suffered a broken wrist and I had a burst eardrum. After that we decided to tone it down for last year's birthday." Riza sighed, "Of course for me at least that turned out to even worse in some ways."

Fascinated by the tale the woman was weaving, Hughes prompted, "Why? What happened?"

Hawkeye grimaced and put the melting bag of ice onto the floor next to her. "We went to a drag club." At Hughes' clueless look she elaborated, "It's one of those places where men dress up in women's clothing and perform on stage. Anyway, we saw my grandfather there."

Frowning, Hughes thought for a moment, "Your grandfather…." Then his eyes lit up as he remembered. "You saw General Gruuman watching a show at a drag club?"

Lips drawn tight, Hawkeye said, "No. My grandfather _was_ the show."

Hughes was struck speechless. His mouth worked up and down but no sound came out. Finally he managed, "What- what did you do?"

To his amazement Hawkeye blushed and looked down. "I left quickly, and after that well, I'd rather not talk about that, sir, I was drunk and in shock, and well, I let my emotions get the best of me."

A memory suddenly surfaced in Hughes' mind of the year before when Roy had been very happy sounding and particularly indulgent during Hughes' repeated Elysia-based phone calls. It had been about this time last year… Could the two have..?

His thoughts were interrupted by another round of howling and singing. This time it vaguely resembled the tune of the popular drinking song, "The Alchemist and the Farmer's Daughter." He did his best to ignore the cacophony and continue with his interview. "So this year, how did it start?"

Hughes' subordinate, Falman appeared and gave the grateful Hawkeye some coffee. She thanked him and he quickly retreated back to the bedroom, and his assigned task of getting Lieutenant Catalina to sober up. Settling back in the chair, she sipped some of the coffee then began to talk. 

"It all started a few days ago…."

\---------  
"You know, my birthday is next week," Rebecca said, "I've decided on what I want to do."

They were eating at a small cafe near Riza's apartment, one that they both had taken a liking too. Riza liked the wide array of sandwiches they offered and Rebecca liked it because they served wine at all hours of the day.

Riza warily eyed Rebecca. "This doesn't involve going back to that drag club does it?"

Rebecca shook her head. "Would I do that to you? You did miss one hell of a time though. The general does a great fan dance."

Rubbing her temple, Riza felt a headache coming on. "Spare me the details, please. Now this plan of yours doesn't include having a midnight "boxer" raid on the male officers' dormitory?"

A harumph and an eye roll answered Riza. "I only did that once during our time at the academy," Rebecca said in an annoyed tone.

"You stole thirty pairs of briefs and nearly got kicked out of school!" Riza exclaimed.

Rebecca grinned. "It was worth it though. How else would I have found out that Havoc wears red thong underwear?" Her grin widened. "You know who else wears thong underwear? Your grand-" 

She was interrupted by Riza slapping her hand over her friend's mouth. "I told you to not go into details about it!" she growled.

The woman held up her hands in submission and Riza retreated back to her seat. "I don't know why you're so upset about that night. It ended up great for you, didn't it?" Rebecca said, "After all you got lucky with R-" Again the hand was slapped over her mouth.

"That," Riza said in a low and angry tone, "is another subject we will not be discussing." She sat back down.

Rebecca sighed. "Fine, fine. Anyway, back to this year's birthday. I want to rent a hotel suite, one with a jacuzzi."

Riza's eyes narrowed. "That's it?" she asked suspiciously.

"Yes that's it. I want to go to a couple of bars, find some guys to get lucky with and take them back to the hotel room."

Frowning, Riza asked, "And what am I supposed to do while you're getting lucky?"

Rebecca crossed her arms and grinned. "Well, you'd be getting lucky too, in another room."

Another sharp throb of pain in her head caused Riza to wince and rub her temples, as the headache continued its assault. "We've been over this, Rebecca, I don't to sleep with anyone right now."

Dropping her arms, Rebecca scooted her chair closer to Riza and put her arm around the blonde woman's shoulders. "Come on, Riza, being like this just isn't healthy. You can't pine after one guy forever."

Riza moved the arm on her shoulders back to the table. "I'm not pining."

Rebecca leaned back balancing her chair on its back legs. "So you say, but you've been following the same damn guy for years now and almost nothing's happened!"

Her eyes on the table, Riza sighed. "You know why we can't be together," she said sadly.

"Oh com'n!" Rebecca said, rocking forward, the front legs of her chair landing with a loud thump. "The higher ups break rules all the time. Hell, look at your grandfather! Do you think the fuhrer approves of him dressing up in a backless gown and belting out show tunes on stage?"

Riza grimaced and changed the subject. "So your birthday this year, I'll go along with it, but you're going to be the only one having sex."

Rebecca shrugged. "If you say so."

"Anyway…" Riza said loudly, "Tell me what hotel you want and I'll reserve the suite."

\--------

Hughes finished writing down on his notepad. "Okay, so what happened next?"

Sipping her now lukewarm coffee, Hawkeye winced as another rousing rendition of the national anthem came from the bedroom. Only this time it was joined by Falman's reluctant and tinny baritone. "We went to a couple of bars, but Rebecca didn't find any guys she liked. So we decided to come to the hotel, feed Hayate and regroup. But Rebecca found a mouse hiding behind the mini-bar."

Flinching as both Falman and Lieutenant Catalina spectacularly failed at hitting the high note, Hughes asked, "So did you complain to the front desk?"

Hawkeye shook her head, and pinched her eyes shut as the trio in the bedroom got louder. "No, we were both pretty drunk at the point so we decided to take care of it ourselves. Rebecca suggested shooting it."

Hughes' gaze went over to the far wall where rays of sunlight were peeking into several small round holes. "So that explains the bullet holes then."

Shaking her head, Riza said, "No, no that happened a lot later. Those are speed holes. I wanted to make the hotel go faster."

The lieutenant colonel blinked in surprise. "Pray tell me," Hughes asked bemusedly, "How exactly did you think this would make a stationary building go faster?"

"Please keep in mind, sir," Hawkeye replied, "That by this point in the night between the two of us we had consumed fifteen beers, a bottle of bourbon, two bottles of wine and a case of tequila. I doubt I was thinking very rationally."

Hughes' jaw dropped. "Good lord, lieutenant! How are you still alive?"

Hawkeye shrugged. "Between being a subordinate of Roy Mustang and having Rebecca as friend, I have built up a very high tolerance for alcohol."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Hughes continued on. "So how did you two deal with the mouse?"

Her brows furrowed in thought Riza replied, "Keep in mind we were pretty drunk by this time…."

\----------

"Stupid ass rodent!" Rebecca yelled at the small grey body running toward a crack in the wall. "Where you get off ruining my b'day like this?" She rounded on Riza. "Why won' you let me shoot th' bugger?"

Shaking her head, Riza paused to marvel at the blurry after images the motion had caused in her vision. "Cuz tha's not safe. We need to get rid o' him some other way." She thought for a minute then her face lit up as she found a solution. "We need an animal tha' eats mice. Like- like a cat!"

Rebecca frowned at this. "We can't ge' a cat. Hayate'd eat it."

"Nuh uh!" Riza said vehemently, rubbing her dog's head, "I trained 'im too well for tha'." Hayate barked in agreement. "See?" 

Rebecca snorted and rolled her eyes. "I don' want a cat here. Wha' other animals eat mice?"

Both women thought for several seconds until Riza let out an "A ha!" and pointed at Rebecca. "Snakes eat mice!" Her shoulders drooped as another thought came to her. "But where we gonna get a snake this time o' night?"

Rebecca grinned. "I know! My ex lives near here, and he collects 'em." She turned toward the hole where the mouse had disappeared. "Enjoy it while you can, ya furry bastard! You're gonna get eaten soon!"

\---------

"And so we went to her ex and got a snake," Hawkeye finished. 

Hughes stared at Hawkeye with wide eyes. "So that festively colored rope wrapped around the jacuzzi heater…?"

"…is an albino red-necked tree boa," Hawkeye replied, sighing.

Silently Hughes thanked whatever god was listening for letting him resist the earlier impulse he'd had to poke the thing thing with his finger. He shivered then turned back to the lieutenant. "So you came back to the hotel and caught the mouse?"

Hawkeye stared at him with bleary eyes. "Not exactly."

\------------------

Leaving the house of Rebecca's confused but still helpful ex-boyfriend, the two women and a dog made their way back to the hotel carrying a sack filled with a large and slightly grumpy snake.

Suddenly Riza stopped and grabbed onto Rebecca's arm. "Hey, I jus' thought o' something… How we gonna get rid o' the snake once it eats the mouse?"

Rebecca turned around and stared at Riza. "I didn't think o' tha'." She thought for a moment more then grinned. "We need a mongoose!"

Riza frowned. "A mongoose? You have 'n ex-boyfriend who raises mongeese?"

Shaking her head, Rebecca turned toward her friend. "Nah, but I do 'ave one tha' maybe can 'elp."

Puzzled Riza stared at the ground in drunken contemplation. "Don- Don' mongeese go fer cobras? We don' got a cobra."

"Oh, com'n a snake's a snake, 'ight? Now le's get tha' mongoose!" Rebecca turned around and headed down a side street. Reluctantly Riza followed her. 

\----------------------

"Where the hell did you get a mongoose?" Hughes asked.

Expression betraying nothing, Hawkeye sipped more of her rapidly cooling coffee. "We rented it at a store on the west side of town called the Mongoose Hut."

Hughes' eyes grew wide with surprise. "There's a store in Central that rents mongooses?"

Sighing Hawkeye rolled her eyes. "God, I can see why you're friends with the colonel. You're just as silly as he is." She sighed. "We borrowed it from the Central Zoo. Rebecca once dated a keeper there."

Nonplussed, Hughes stared at the woman in astonishment. A snarky Hawkeye was new to Hughes, but then again he had also never seen the woman hungover and exhausted with her professional mask off before. "What happened then?"

"The mouse never reappeared. The snake quickly wrapped itself around the warmest thing it could find, i.e. the jacuzzi heater, and the mongoose went and hid behind the toilet."

A loud crash came from bedroom and both soldiers started. Hawkeye let out a small groan as the noise echoed in her head. "Falman! What the hell was that?" Hughes yelled.

The warrant officer stuck his head out of the bedroom. "I'm sorry, sir, that was a glass the lieutenant dropped. She has insisted I teach her how to juggle, sir."

"I was not aware you knew how to juggle, Falman," Hughes said, one eyebrow raised in question.

Falman looked in the room then back at his boss. "I don't, sir, though that does not seem to matter to Lieutenant Catalina."

Feeling a headache of his own coming on, Hughes sighed. "Falman, keep her away from anything breakable. Go back to sing-a-longs if you have to." Falman nodded and went back into the room.

Hughes turned his attention back to the woman before him. "Back to the matter at hand, what you told me explains some of the animals, but what about the sheep? And how did Havoc get mixed up in this?"

"Well, the sheep we bought from a stockyard down by the docks. As for why, well…"

\----

"Tha' was a big failure!" Rebecca cried, kicking at the empty mongoose cage in frustration, "Damn animals didn' do a thin'!" She turned her glare onto Black Hayate. "You didn' help neither!"

Riza picked up her dog and cuddled with him. "Don' blame Hayate for this!"

Crossing her arms, Rebecca glared at her. "Yer too soft on 'im! Dogs should 'ave jobs! You should train him in somethin'!"

"Hayate has a job. 'E's my companion!" Riza said, squeezing her dog tighter. Hayate licked her chin. "See?"

Rebecca harmphed. "He still needs a job! Like, huntin' or herdin'!"

Riza tapped her chin, thoughtfully. "Herdin' might 'elp keep tha' boys in line."

With a grin, Rebecca slapped Riza on the back, making her take a step forward, and causing Hayate to let out a startled yelp. "Tha's my girl!" she declared, "Le's get us some sheep!" 

A few blocks and they ran into a familiar tall blond lieutenant carrying groceries and a sixpack. True to her name Riza saw him first. "It'z Havoc!" She waved her hand at the man. "Hiiiiii, Jean!"

Havoc stopped in surprise and looked around until he saw the two women. He approached them with a wave of his own. "Hawkeye, Catalina." He stopped when he got close to the women and waved his hand in front of his nose. "God, how much have you guys had to drink? You two smell like a brewery! What are you doing out this late, anyway?" 

"We're doin' dog trainin'!" Hawkeye said with a confirmatory bark from the dog in question.

Rebecca furrowed her brow then pointed at Havoc. "Ya grew up on a farm right, Jean?"

"Uh, kind of. My family owns a general store in a rural town," he said warily, looking back and forth between the two, "Why?"

Rebecca continued to press him. "But ya grew up near farms, right?"

Havoc slowly nodded. "Yeah, there were a lot of farms around."

"Then ya seen sheep, right?" Riza asked.

He nodded again. "Uh, yeah, tons of 'em."

Rebecca clapped Havoc on the back and forcibly escorted him down the street. "Then, Jean Havoc, t'night is yer lucky night!" A saucy grin formed on Rebecca's face and she let her fingers dip very low over the well defined muscles in his back. "And I think tonight is my lucky night too."

\---------

During Hawkeye's tale room service had delivered more coffee and some danishes. This had improved Hawkeye's mood significantly, though the continued off tune singing from the bedroom was threatening to bring it back down again. At least the barking was gone thanks to Hayate being occupied by a chicken leg the hotel concierge had scrounged up somewhere. 

"So how exactly did you get the sheep back here?" Hughes asked. 

Hawkeye looked fondly at her dog and then gave Hughes a smug grin. "Let's just say my dog is quick learner."

Hughes snorted, and then smiled. "Well, from what Roy has told me, I'd say it's more due to your training methods."

Shrugging, the woman replied, "Perhaps it's both. Anyway, once we got back to the hotel we drank more, and then made Havoc move all the furniture into the corner. Then Hayate and I did some advanced drill training and Rebecca and Havoc disappeared into the bedroom."

"Dare I ask what they did in there?" Hawkeye gave him a pointed look, and he explained. "No, I mean, I know _what_ they did in there, I'm just rather curious as to how Havoc ended up over there dressed in a tutu and an unfortunately skimpy red thong." He pointed to the kitchen where a fancily dressed Havoc had made a bed of three exhausted and dirty sheep.

Hawkeye blushed slightly and took a sip of her new coffee. "Ah, well, Everything after the drill training is rather hazy for me. I do remember the room spinning and I think that's when I shot the speedholes, but that's it. I'm afraid you'll have to ask Rebecca about Havoc's outfit when she's sober."

Hughes gaze turned to the bedroom. "And when exactly do you think that'll be?"

The lieutenant cocked her head and listened to the drunken crooning. "Judging by how out of tune she is, seven or eight hours. Ten if you don't want her to shoot you in the middle of her hangover."

"Dammit," Hughes said, annoyed. He rubbed the bridge of his nose, and mentally cursed Roy. "That means I have to spend another day here."

Shaking her head, Riza said, "Actually, sir, I don't see why you need to interview Rebecca. In fact, I doubt there's really any need for you to be here at all."

With a sweep of his arm Hughes indicated the wrecked hotel suite. "Are you mad, lieutenant?!" he cried, "Look around you! If I wasn't here then who's going to explain all this to the hotel and deal with these animals?"

Riza merely stared at him, unphased by his outburst. "Actually, sir, the colonel already arranged to have any damage billed to his account beforehand, and we rented out this whole floor and the one below it so we wouldn't disturb any of the other guests. As for the animals, I'm sure Breda and Fuery have already contacted their respective owners to arrange a pickup for them. They'll be compensated by the colonel too."

Stunned, Hughes sat down and contemplated up his own coffee. "God, this must have cost Roy a fortune."

"Probably," Riza said, shrugging, "But he refuses to let me pay him back. He claims that any price is worth it to see me let my hair down once in awhile." She paused and touched the barrette that held her hair pulled up in its customary bun. "Metaphorically, of course." 

Hughes grinned. "I'm sure things like what happened last year help too."

Hawkeye blushed bright red and looked down at her cup. "I'd rather not talk about that, sir."

"Don't worry, lieutenant, this won't end up in my report," he smiled at the relieved look that settled over her face. "What I don't understand is why the hell did Roy call me out here if everything is already taken care of?"

Putting down her now empty cup, Hawkeye eyed him warily. "Well, sir, I do have a theory on that, if you'd care to hear it." 

Hughes nodded. "Please enlighten me, lieutenant."

After picking up her trash and putting it in the already overflowing wastebasket, Riza said, "Well, there is a new rule that all reports must be filled out in triplicate, and filed in three separate places. Also since there are several parties involved in this incident that means even more reports and copies than normal."

As she spoke Hughes face grew darker and darker as he began to grasp what she was implying. Finally he stood, his fist clenched. "So you're telling me that, that lazy bastard took me away from my gorgeous, incredibly intelligent wife and beautiful, talented and gifted daughter just so he can avoid some paperwork?!"

She nodded. "Well, we all know how much he hates it, sir."

Hughes grabbed his notes and turned toward Hawkeye, his eyes lit with anger. "I'm sorry, lieutenant, but I'm afraid I must now go and seriously maim your commanding officer."

"Go easy on him, sir," Hawkeye said, smiling slyly, "He does have his good points. Or should I say point?"

Behind them in the bedroom came the strains from a song that had become very popular as of late called "The Flame Alchemist's Chalk has a Knob on the End." Hayate let loose with a series of mournful howls in accompaniment. 

As far as Hughes was concerned, it was the perfect ending for the whole surreal experience.

\-----------------

**Author's Indulgence**

Oh, boy, very rough… Er, please excuse the Discworld, Simpsons, and Bill and Ted references. I couldn't resist.

This was written for Red (lj user redasatomato) as part of the fma_ladyfest competition in the fma_ladyfest livejournal community. Check it out if you can write lady-centered (not necessarily yuri!) fanfiction!

Thanks to Hiromu Arakawa and the cast and crew of all the manga and anime series.

Thanks to my husband, despite him refusing to read any of my stories.

Thanks to the mods of fma_ladyfest, and to redasatomato for the fun prompt!

And thanks to you for reading.

\- Anne Packrat (August 28, 2011)


End file.
